If you thought that I never play games when they've just been released, you're wrong. I just don't get around to reviewing them until two months later. It's my way of balancing entertainment with being an insufferable ass.
I did buy Star Wars: The Force Unleashed for Wii on launch day, and I beat it about a month ago. I could have done a review at any point between now and then, but that would be so cliché. I like to savour a game, sucking on its delicious juices and then finally write a review when I get bored.
In The Force Unleashed, you get to play as angsty teen soldier of darkness, "Starkiller." I can't decide if he sounds like a hippy or just a douche bag, but it doesn't matter. I'm going to call him "Radical Al" instead. It's my review, I can call him whatever I want. (No, I'm not going to call him "Radic-Al." That's stupid.)
You don't start the game as our good friend, Al, though. You start out as Darth Vader wreaking havoc on the Wookiees' home planet, Teddy Bear Island. You can tell just by his walk, which is about as fast as a fat kid with hypothyroid at "I don't move very fast" camp, that Lord Vader is one cool mother-shut yo' mouth. He's a complicated man, but no one understands him but his woman.
After an excruciatingly slow walk through Vader's magical tree house, slaughtering Wookiees and all of the fine decor you see along the way, you'll at last reach the end of the level where... oh look... you have to kill some more Wookiees. Finish them off and you'll finally get to fight something that isn't covered in hair. You'll also get your first taste of how poorly lightsaber duels work in The Force Unleashed.
It's Jedi vs. Sith. In this corner: the Emperor's right-hand asthmatic, Darth Vader. In the other corner: a nameless Jedi who's going to get killed in about 3 minutes. Ready. FLAIL!
You have just beaten your first boss. Congratulations. Do you feel like you accomplished anything? No? Good. Let's continue.
So it turns out that the Jedi you just killed has a son, our old friend Radical Al. Conjuring the essence of Michael Jackson that lives deep within all black men, Vader takes the kid with him back to his ranch... err, Star Destroyer.
Holy shit I'm bored! Let's just skip the rest of the story, okay? I'm going to talk about the graphics for a while.
The Force Unleashed doesn't look bad, per se. It just doesn't look that good. Like your girlfriend, it can be considered "average," or "barely tolerable," or "a whore." There are much better looking games on Wii. No More Heroes, Battalion Wars II, Metroid Prime 3 and, yes, even that loathsomely awkward little bitch, Super Mario Galaxy all look pretty damn good beside The Force Unleashed. It has it's moments, but I'm too shallow to care.
"But, Mr. O'Matic, that's not what Wii games are about! They're supposed to be about the gameplay, you incredibly well-hung jackal!"
Ah, too true. Too true. You have earned your dinner tonight, dear reader. For where would a game be without gameplay? On television, of course, trying to sell you Shamwows.
Controlling the Force in TFU is a lot like a handjob. It takes a lot of effort to get it to agree to anything, but then things start moving and she's working the shaft, maybe even enjoying it a little. You talk dirty to her, call her names like "daddy's little bitch," or "Jonathon." And then her mom walks in and calls the cops.
Lightsaber combat isn't totally useless, contrary to what you may have heard. It's just mostly useless. There's no skill involved here, kids, so grab yourself a horribly deadly sword of pure energy and have at 'er. Swing your arm in any direction you want because it doesn't matter. As long as the glowy end of the sword touches the bad guy, it'll make him fall down... and then evaporate into glowing blue spheres that can be used as currency. Ah, the wonders of the future! I hope their families don't ask to see the body.
Lightsaber fights between two Jedi are a bit different, as you have witnessed previously. Why are your attacks being blocked? How are you managing to block your opponents attacks? These are questions that only the Game Master knows.
In conclusion, The Force Unleashed is comparable to a redneck girl at a country bar: she might look alright if you've been drinking, but don't try to make her do anything too complicated or you'll realize just how inbred and retarded she really is. Then you'll wonder just what the fuck you're doing in a country bar in the first place, and then go play with the pinball machine in the corner until your friends decide to leave. You don't have any quarters, but you'll fiddle with it anyway because you're a tool.
